Where have I been???

I just realized that I haven't posted anything in 10 days.  Where have I been? I guess I have been stuck inside the magic that is Christmas. 

I am back at work today (vomit) and ready for another day off.  Luckily, my family will all be in town this week, so I off tomorrow afternoon through January 4th.

I have spent the entire post-holiday, slow work day contemplating why I didn't just take the entire week off and thinking about New Year's resolutions. 

Here is my list for 2010:

1. Quit my freaking day job.
2. That is good enough for one year.

Happy New Year and thanks for reading!

Oh Shut Up Vicki

On last night's episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Vicki planned a Girls' Trip to a tacky beach town in Florida (she would) and all the husbands came.  Simon came because he has to keep Tamra from being mind-controlled by Vicki and Jim came because he is afraid his two dollar whore of a wife will cheat on him.  At the last minute, Slade creepily pops up from behind a fake palm tree in the hotel lobby to surprise Gretchen.  Gretchen was shocked and cried (vom!), Vicki's eyes popped out of her head (cool!).

Overall the trip was a stupid parade of drinking, crying, and wild animals.  These are my thoughts:
  • Why did Vicki cry so much? I can understand her getting upset if she was actually friends with these people, but she isn't.  She is paid by Bravo to hang out with the Housewives, so why get so upset when they all bring their husbands on a girls' trip?   Did she just realize how much these people suck?  I mean, it's not a surprise, so enough tears.  I definitely understand her annoyance.  The controlling twins (Jimbo and Simon) need to relax  and loosen the chains around their wives' necks and Slade is simply vile.  I too would have been annoyed with all of the appearances, especially Slade's, but I would not have cried about it.  Vicki turned it on for the cameras and it was all so stupid.
  • Lynne was higher than usual last night and it was fun!  She had a face lift a week ago and is still on drugs for the pain.  Some of her comments made me genuinely laugh out loud.  My favorite was when the ladies went on a swamp ride and the truck went over a huge bump.  All the ladies scream, except Lynne who calmly said, "There goes my new face."  She cracked my shit up last night.  Whatever she is taking needs to continue for the rest of the season.

    Yep, that's pretty much all she did the entire episode.
  • At dinner, Vicki and Tamra grilled Gretchen about her love/relationship with Slade.  Despite the disgustingness of their relationship, I thought that Gretchen handled the questions really well and acted (gasp!) mature.  I don't like Slade, but I like Gretchen more and more.  She just needs to stop laughing so loudly and she might have a chance with me.
  • Alexis, oh Alexis.  You embody everything I hate in a human being.  And your husband is the sickest of all men I have ever seen on reality TV.  Way to go, you win for again sucking the most.
I am tired and sneaking out of work early so I will leave you at that.  Think about it...who sucks more, Kelly Bensimon or Alexis?  Or, are they just awful in different ways?  Have a great weekend!

Controlling Husbands and Plastic Women, Just another Day in Orange County

(I wrote this Friday and intended to post, but got distracted baking Christmas cookies (check out Taste later today or tomorrow for the recipes) and watching Xavier beat UC, so here it is...along with my headache from last night's game (meaning the beers consumed during the game)).

After last night’s episode, I decided that if held at gunpoint, I would more wish to be friends with Gretchen. Why? Because she isn’t a Jesus freaky, submissive woman. Eww. We have come so far, quit holding us back.  The best thing about Alexis is that she is a $2 whore (according to her ex-husband).  That's right, she has a filthy past.  She would.  Why are the "holier than thou" types always the ones with the skeletons in the closet?  I love her hypocrisy.  Why?  Because now I can really really hate her! Woo Hoo! (Thanks Vick.)

 The happy couple...before Alexis cheats and goes crazy while drunk!

The show begins with Vicki at a jewelry store. Her jeweler shows her some flashy bits of jewelry and Vick decides it is best to buy her hubby, Don, a three diamond ring. She wants to show him how much she loves him and what says love more than a gaudy, new money screaming, diamond ring?

Despite this silly scene, I am kind of liking Vicki.  She is of course annoying and so busy, but I like her independence and I like that Don doesn't control her.  I dunno, just seems kinda normal to me...

Next up Alexis. She is trying to be cute by taking her not even two year olds to get manis/pedis. It was stupid. The saddest part was when the baby turned to the Asian woman scrubbing her feet and said "mama?" Alexis got mad, grabbed the kids and said "this isn’t going to work!"  No shit. In her confessional interview that played over the horrific salon scene, Alexis discussed how she had has ambitions. She doesn’t want to play with kids for 9 hours (no one does, that’s what TV is for). She said she went to school for Marketing (of course she did) but found that her true passion is health and fitness. So, now she focuses full time on her health and fitness passion. Someone needs to tell her than working out and getting plastic surgery is not a job. 

In an effort for us to really understand how much time Alexis spends on grooming, Bravo films a scene of her at the botox booth. Per Alexis, she is 32 and now needs Botox once a year. When she was 27, she only needed it once per year. Srsly, Alexis started botox at the young age of 27. Per this, she got divorced in 2004, which ws probably about the time the botox started.  Passion my arse, she just needed to fix herself up in order to bag a rich man.

The episode also revealed the big family surgery day for Lynne and her daughter Raquel. This whole scene grossed me out. It was wrong on so many levels.  First, all the gross medical stuff they were doing to Lynne’s face and Raquel's nose was too graphic.  I don't like blood.  I was also disgusted by the fact that the youngest daughter, Alexis, knows that the family has no money and was concerned that so much was being spent on unnecessary surgery. AHHHHHH!

The worst thing about this group surgery was the fact that Lynne said over and over how Raquel’s nose job would make her more confident. Actually, you cannot buy confidence. I think some people are born with it and some are bred to have it. I have confidence and a biggish nose, so there.

Hysterically Sadly, when the bandages came off, Raquel looked exactly the same and Lynne still looked like a monkey (just with tighter skin). It was all so wrong.

Next up is Gretchen. Her and her boyfriend, Slade, go to a boring training course on motorcycle riding. I am so sick of how Gretchen and Slade giggle and flirt all the time. If I were in that class (which I never would be because motorcycles are super dangerous) I would have been so annoyed with Gretchen’s laughing and telling everyone she thinks they’re hot.  I do not find these two to be "cute" or "so in love."  I find them to be nauseating.

Crazy ass Tamra found a job. (It’s not a real job; she just stands around expensive homes and tries to be charming.) Simon doesn’t want her working because then it is too hard to control her. Tamra cries because she hates Simon and wants to be independent. I don’t blame her. I hate him too.

There is a boring scene of Tamy on the job. The only interesting thing was a small Asian woman, holding a baby while running around the house. I swear, the woman was running and she had two kids with her who were also running. Tam looked oh so uncomfortable around the Asians. It was predictable and typical.
The men (Don, Simon, and Jim) went golfing. Jim, Alexis’s godly husband, is wearing a hideous orange shirt that is not tucked in and he looks like a sloppy frat boy (which he for sure was before he bought a wife). They all are terrible golfers and end their game (match?) with a few drinks. While drinking and cigar smoking, the men discuss Vicki’s upcoming “Girls’ Trip.”

Well, Simon and Jim are appalled that Don would let his wife travel alone.  Don doesn't think it's a big deal for his wife to travel alone (like I said, normal).  Simon and Jim are cr-azy. I loathe them. I loathe that the “traditional” marriage they think they are protecting is really just a macho fantasy.  And that they are married to White Trash and Two Dollar Whore.

Later in the episode, Gretchen and Alexis meet for lunch. Alexis goes on and on about how "godly" her husband is and how god brought her Jim.  Ummm, I think the botox and boob job brought you Jim, but whatevs.  Alexis dribbled on about how she is so fantastically Christian and Christian women are submissive and Christian women let their husbands control them and STOP.  I hate all of this on so many levels.

What else happened???  Oh yeah, Gretchen and Tamra meet to discuss hating each other.  Gretch obviously only went because Bravo cuts her paychecks, but Tamra?  Tamra would have paid Bravo for this meeting.  She is so bat shit crazy obsessed with Gretchen it is just funny.  Actually, I think it stopped being funny slash interesting and now it is just sad.  Get. Over. It.

Srsly Tamra, you need to move on.
The moral of the story is do not marry a controlling man because it will make you preachy and a hypocritical (Alexis) or bitchy (Tamra). Also, do not get plastic surgery when you cannot pay your rent, because you will still be ugly and unconfident. You know what gives kids confidence? Me neither, but I am pretty sure it’s not a nose job.

Next week is Vicki’s Girls’ Trip. All the men will show up and Vicki’s face will fall right off her head.   Stay tuned!

10 Stylish Gift Ideas for $20 or Less

The holiday season is upon us (obvs) and many of our wallets are pinched tight this year. If you have a stylish female on your shopping list, as well as a tight budget, no need to fret. I have compiled a list of ten budget friendly, stylish products for any type of woman. Remember big style does not need to have a big price tag.
These ten items all ring in at $20 or less and are sure to delight the stylish ladies in your life. From wallets, to hair clips, to personalized note cards, I have scoured the internet to come up with a list of fantastic finds. Whether it is a teacher, a friend, a co-worker, or even a girlfriend, the list below is brimming with gift ideas.

So what are you waiting for? Make a list, check this one twice, and get shopping!

1. This sparkly wallet is perfect for any New Year’s Eve festivities.

-Kimchi Sparkling Hinge Wallet (comes in two colors), $18.00 (Urban Outfitters)

2. This sweet pale green clutch is sure to brighten up a grey winter’s day.

- Deena and Ozzy Kisslock Clutch , $20 (Urban Outfitters)

3. Know a woman who wants to channel her inner Cleopatra? Well, she can do so with this stunning black and gold belt.

-Cairo Braided Belt, $18 (Francesca’s) (insert photo/HTML link)

4. The leaves on this necklace have a subtle wintery feel and will dress up a simple black party dress or top.

- Phoenix Wreath Necklace, $12.60 (Francesca’s)

5. These elegant black earrings will add an extra bit of holiday flair to an otherwise simple look.

-Rue Montagne de la Cour Earrings, $13.99 (ModCloth)

6. This gorgeous flower ring is perfect for a girlie girl and at an equally gorgeous price, how could you go wrong?

-Frosted Rosette Ring, $12.99 (ModCloth)

7. Is the lady on your list as Green as she is Stylish? If so, these reusable bags from Baggu are a fantastic (and socially conscious) gift.

-Big Baggu Reusable Bags (a variety of colors), $14.00 (Baggu)

8. Hobo shaped bags are a becoming a staple to any stylish girl’s wardrobe. This inexpensive one from Old Navy is classic in both shape and color.

-Large Faux-Leather Hobo Bag, $20 (Old Navy)

9. If you are a man, you might not realize this, but decorative hair accessories are so incredibly in right now. I just happen to have an Etsy shop, Acute Designs, that sells a variety of hair accessories, as well as other things. (I will cry if you buy a hair accessory from another store. Seriously, I will cry.)

Why buy elsewhere when you can buy one of my designs? They are one of a kind!  You will be the coolest gift giver ever.

10. Personalized note cards are a great gift for someone you might not know that well (i.e. co-worker, teacher, dog walker, etc). Pear Tree Greetings offers a variety of chic styles and colors all at an affordable price.

-Personalized Note Cards(pack of 24), $15.99 (Pear Tree Greetings)

A King, a Youthologist, and a Sad Midwestern Boy - Last Night’s Episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County

Yes. This is what it has become.
After a welcome Thanksgiving break, Bravo again brought their study of the caged creatures of Cota de Caza (and now Laguna) to our TV sets. The ladies were up to all kinds of new things.
There was a fat, unattractive King present. There only to beat down his wife more each day so that the presentation of fancy jewelry would make her feel loved. Also, a Youthologist bounced around Lynne’s newly rented Laguna house, telling her and Frank how they have messed up their kids. Speaking of messing up your kids, Vicki is trying hard, but Brianna stays so grounded, it’s shocking. Last night, the only housewife with an income hired an unassuming young man from Indianapolis to fly to the OC for a three day date with her daughter, Brianna.

Meanwhile, Gretchen got out of town and headed to Michigan to play mommy to Jeff’s kids.. So many thoughts about last night, so let’s begin.

-I felt a little bad for Gretchen. Actually, I felt a lot bad for Jeff’s (Gretchen’s fiancé who passed away last year) kids. They seem like nice kids who really loved their dad and really care for Gretchen. I don’t think Gretchen’s relationship with Jeff was “fake” or that Jeff “hired” Gretchen. I think she genuinely loved him, but if he would have stayed healthy, I doubt she would have stayed with him. I don’t think they had much chemistry and she was probably getting that rumbling feeling in her heart. You know the one you get when you realize that you no longer have feelings for your significant other? That feeling. And, he gave her such a nice life, full of no jobs and lots of money, so it was hard to leave him.

Then, he went and caught cancer and she for sure couldn’t break up with someone who had cancer. Even Gretchen wouldn’t do that. (Well, she wouldn’t do that when the cameras were rolling.)

-There is one person on this show who seems, dare I say, normal. That person is Brianna, Vicki’s daughter. Brianna had her heart crushed by Colby (he left her for a 17 year old old…awww young love!) last year and since has not dated anyone. Vicki takes this to mean that Brianna needs to be set up on a blind date. Not your average blind date, instead, she has a client’s son fly in from Indianapolis for 3 days. Bad idea.

The kid seemed really nice, but he looked like a stereotypical Midwestern boy. I am from the Midwest and a lot (most) of the people I know don’t look like that. (You know what look I am talking about.) They didn’t hit it off, and he is gone for good. Poor kid. The entire thing was uncomfortable to watch.

-Lynne and her family move to Laguna. They couldn’t afford their last house, so they moved somewhere cheaper. I don’t know, but it looked like the same exact house to me.

Anyhoo, for whatever reason Lynne’s kids are OOC. Apparently, buying your daughter a BMW and a nose job is not good parenting. Who knew? In order to remedy the sitch, Lynne hired a bouncy, hip young woman who is considers herself a “Youthologist.” This youth-tamer (let’s call her Josie, she seemed like she should be named Josie) speaks to the family one at a time and fixes all their problems. She tells nose job girl to stop wearing ridiculous hats and start making art; she tells the younger one (a self proclaimed “man eater”) to…ummm she tells her nothing; and she tells the parents to hang out with their kids more. So, everyone is fixed and happy. Yay Josie!

-Did anyone notice Lynne’s face in one of the interview segments? I do believe it was filmed post face transplant. Lynne looked different. I could say better, but I am opposed to using the words “Lynne” and “better” and “looked” all in the same sentence. So, I will just say she looked different. A whole lotta different.

-Tamra has a stupid party where everyone wears stripper wigs and pours liquor down each others’ throats. I am not sure what the point of this was? Maybe to showcase Simon’s newest tequila.

-Now on to Alexis. She goes out to dinner with her husband, “The King” as she refers to him. Alexis is a good Stepford wife, fashioned out of bits leftover from past housewives’ plastic surgeries.

This is pretty much what happened at the dinner:

Joe (Is that his name? I cannot remember, but he looks like a Joe. I think his name is Joe.): “Did you work out today?”

Alexis: “I ran, but I didn’t do a class, I ‘m sorry. I will work out all day tomorrow.”

Joe: “You bitch. Do that again and I won’t let you eat for a week.”

Alexis: “Yes, I know. I need to stay pretty and young because you could have anyone and I need to make sure you only want me.” (Alexis, 1. Looks have nothing to do with your husband cheating or not, watch Oprah once in a while. And 2. He could not have anyone. Nice try.)

Joe: “I bought you a present.”

Alexis: “Oh my God, you love me so much. You treat me like shit, don’t let me have opinions, but I know you love me because you buy me stuff.”

Joe: “This is an 8 karat diamond etching of our children’s faces.”

Alexis: “This is so sick. This is the sickest thing ever.”

Joe: “DIAMONDS!!!!!!”

So, as you can see by my rendition of the dinner, they suck.

-Tamra has an older son named Ryan who is a complete douche bag. He makes me like Simon. I get annoyed watching Ryan. He is the exact version of the kind of guy I hate. He wrote all sorts of nasty stuff about Simon on his Facebook page (harsh) and Simon now hates him.  Hopefully his jail stint lasts the rest of the season.

Next week, Tamra and Gretchen fight (typical) and Lynne gets a new face.

P.S. I hate the way spell check always highlights “Tamra” and says that it should be spelled T-a-m-a-r-a. Bitch is missing an A.

It Looks a Little Bit Like Christmas in Here!

By "in here" I mean my house and by "little bit" I mean I put up my scrawny fake tree and random ornaments I have collected over the years. 

I love Christmastime.  I pretty much love the period between my birthday at the beginning of November all the way through New Years.  It's January 2nd though Mid-April that I hate, but I am not going to think about that now.

Last weekend I bought (or made) and wrapped all the gifts for my family in Ireland, today the tree went up, and over the next few weeks there is going to be a Christmas cookie party in my kitchen.  (Check out my foodie blog, Taste, for the recipes.)

Without further ado, I give you my humble tree...you will notice four stockings this year because we adopted a puppy in April (have I ever mentioned him?).

It looks like a real tree! Right? Just lie to me. Thanks.

Hopefully someone fills my stocking this year...

Sweet little Santa Paws

Santa and her little elf

The Hills and The City Season Finale Extravaganza

Last night, MTV aired the season finale of The Hills and The City. In addition to these shows, they had a pre-show and a post-show. It was like the freaking Super Bowl, except full of glitter and mini dresses!
The pre-show and post-show hosts talked to various members of the two casts, all of who were wearing glitter and or a super short dress that showed their unmentionables. (Except for Justin Bobby, who wore a ginormous scarf and Lo who looked somewhat tasteful. Too bad she is on The Hills, or she might actually be tasteful.)

After all the silly questions and the pre-show "fight" between Erin and Olivia (they didn't want to appear on stage together, way to go MTV, so unpredictable and dramatical), the final episode of The Hills began and this is what happened (bullet points make things so easy to read).
• Heidi wants a baabeee and Spencer isn't so sure, so instead he invites Brody over to play basketball and discuss. Spencer didn't get quite enough wisdom from Brody, so he invited the small midget MTV hired to play "Enzo: The little neighbor boy" over to discuss his predicament. Heidi and Spencer proceed to ask this tiny person's opinion of their marriage and pending baby sitch. Enzo yelled "Mama Mia!" sealing the fact that he is actually an Italian midget. Later in Speidiville, Spencer tells his wife that one day he would like to have children. (Meaning whenever MTV agrees to pay the couple for the rights to film the labor and delivery, then he will agree. It will be a Hills special titled "The Spawn of Satan.")

Do you have any babies back in Italy?  Are they also little people?
• Elsewhere, Kristin is moving out of her Malibu House. Where is she going? I guess she must have another house. STB is there (drinking straight vodka) to give Kristin advice about Justin Bobby. She gives some lame advice through her drunken stupor. It is all about only living once and taking chances and hopes and dreams that young 22 year old alcoholics with a lot of reality show money have. Awww, I remember the days of hopes and dreams, now all I am filled with is bitter rage towards my lack of career…. Back to the Hills!

The alcoholic sage
• Kristin gallops down to the beach wearing a red bikini and perfect makeup to talk to JB. Justin tells Kristin he has never connected with anyone like this before (somewhere in Hollywood, Audrina's heart explodes) and Kristin says that she doesn't want to get hurt and doesn't want a boyfriend. JB gets pissed and takes his too short shorts elsewhere.

• Audrina and Lo go shopping and Audrina talks about JB (so much for the pact she made to never speak of him again). She tells Lo that she is going to meet him for the last time again for the last time. Seriously, the last time? Yes, this is the last time. She is also wearing a hat that looks terrible on her and it solidifies her feebleness. Lo helps by telling her to "look really hot" when she goes to meet JB. Yeah, like that's possible.

Oh, honey, no. Just no.
• There is a boring storyline (if you want to even call it that) between Brody and Jayde. Jayde wants to move in with Brody. Brody is annoyed and decides he is done with her once and for all. Frankie, Brody's sidekick who always sounds as if he lost his voice screaming a lot the night before, is beside himself with happiness. He then proceeds to run down a list of all of Brody's recent ex-gf's and it is a hysterical list of trashy stripper names. Brody - you have come far in life, keep up the good work.

• Aud puts on her tightest dress and highest heels and staggers over to meet JB, who is standing on a deserted pier, overlooking the ocean. Audrina walks up, visibly nervous, and says she doesn't want to fight. JB says something, and Audrina says, "You are selfish and self-centered and only care about yourself." And JB says something like "We saw each other once every few months and you thought we were together and we never were." That was worth it. That line was worth the whole crappy season. Can't you just see it? Audrina sitting around her tall, skinny house obsessing over JB? Googling him and wondering when he will call? I am sure she enlisted the help of witchcraftery and said several novenas, but he never called. She would die a little inside with each passing day and then, he would call! Finally! Aud would be alive again, but just until next episode. Dismal and desperate, that is Audrina. She needs to get off reality TV. Why would you want all your hopelessness out there in cyberspace for the rest of time?

What do you mean we were never together?  What about all those locks of your hair and used Kleenexes I saved? 
• The season ends with Kristin and Justin deciding to “give it a go!” and awkwardly kissing on the deck of her Malibu house. Yuck.

Double yuck

The City will (told via a picture story, kind of like a comic, but I cannot draw, so all these pics are courtesy of the machine that drives us, MTV.)

This show got me a fashion line meeting with Bergdorf Goodman!

What do you mean Kelly doesn't think I should go to Whitney's Bergdorf Meeting?  I will confront her!

Don't you ever fucking talk to me again.  You know nothing about SKU 400 pound skids.  I will destroy you.

You know nothing Olivia! I can't work with you or even speak to you

Oh god...what have I done. I am about to appear on the super important Kathie Lee and Hoda Destroy the Today Show show and I have trusted Olivia?  I think I might have sold my soul to the reality show devil and lost.

Please like my fashion line super scary Bergdorf Cougars.  Please!  I think MTV will pay you if you say yes!

I used to be a respectful buyer for Bergdorf but I, like Joe Zee, sold my soul to the reality show devil.  I will not lose!

I cannot work with Olivia anymore.  Joe- it's either her or me, you decide and I will cry.

Whitney, in the name of fame mongering, I got you a spot in a fashion show, now you must sign your name in blood across my chest.

Yes Kelly, anything you need.  Long live MTV!

Good news (or is it?) The Hills and The City will be back for another season! (Was Whitney's announcement the most awkward, poorly rehearsed thing you have ever seen, or what?) Until next season…(Yes, there is a good chance I will watch. Shut. Up.)
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