Friday, November 20, 2009

The Real Housewives of Orange County Gave Me a Headache

I am not sure if it was the $4 pinot grigio from Trader Joe’s, Jeana’s life sucking depression, or the fact that everyone is broke, but I had a huge headache after watching the Housewives last night. Is it just me, or is this season a little sad? The whole premise of this reality show was to showcase people living lavish lives, unlike the rest of America. Now, all they do is talk about how poor and broke they are. It has become a theme for the show and it is depressionville all the time.

Here are some highlights and lowlights of last night’s ep:

Gretchen and Slade Smiley head to Scottsdale, Arizona (headache begins) for Gretchen’s new friend’s birthday party. Gretchen refers to this friend as “new” because they presumably just met and Bravo invited Gretchen to her party. New friend was more than happy to oblige because what is classier than having a reality TV crew at your birthday party?
Before the party, Slade and Gretchen run around the hotel giggling and making bad sexual jokes. Then, they sit by the pool and get serious. They talk about Slade getting his vasectomy reversed (ewww) and about how poor they are. Yes, they are so poor. Poor people always go on vacation and sit by the pool all day long. And, if they are so poor, why don’t they get jobs? I don’t mind the housewives talking about their money woes, but I wish they would just get jobs and STFU about being poor. They are not poor. Poverty does not look like them. (Well, financial poverty does not look like them. Poverty of the soul? Yep, that’s them!)

So, Gretchen and Slade go to the party and scream at the new friend’s waaay ca-ute dress. They drink steamy pink drinks, make out, get drunk, and do pole dances. All the while, Bravo cuts to an interview with Gretchen in which she discusses her and Slade’s sex life. (Head is pounding.)

Yeah, it really was that bad.

The next morning, Gretchen is extremely hung over. She and Slade just sit around their hotel suite giggling. I counted 5 different words Slade used in an attempt to be cool. Words such as “bee-otch.” Stop, head, please stop pounding. Slade also cleverly named Vicki “Ficki.” Why? Because she’s Fake and she’s Icki. Good one Slade, you are so witty. (Or, you watch too may cartoons.)

Back in Coota de Depression, Tamra decides to pop by Jeana’s house. She wants to make sure Jeana hasn’t topped herself yet. Luckily, she has done nothing of the sort. Instead, she has let her dead beat soon to be ex-husband move back in to her nearly foreclosed on house.

Jeana tells Tamra that she will not be going to the Bravo sanctioned La Perla party because she is over the Housewives and over the drama. She would prefer to stay at home and cook her ungrateful children some hot dogs.

Next up is Alexis, Jeana’s replacement. Alexis is a 32 year old housewife with three small children. She has 3 year old Jesus, and 2 year old twins, Malarkey and Milky. Her husband forced her to name the first child Jesus because he is a Jesus freak. OMFG don’t get me started! In order to stay organized, I must make a list of the ills of this newest Housewives addition.

Why Alexis Kinda Sucks:

1. She puts God first, then her husband, then her children. Need I say more?

2. She is a “busy” (oh you’re sooooo busy) stay at home mom with TWO nannies. Two, yeah, I said TWO. Are you freaking kidding me? I know little kids are a lot of work, but it’s not like you have a job you need to be at every day. Stay at home moms with full time nannies piss me of about as much as people who think letting their dog sit on a deck all day is proper exercise (my neighbors). New Rule (thanks Bill Maher) if you don’t want to raise your kids, get your tubes tied.

3. Her husband likes to talk about how G-o-d is so important. (Head is pounding towards the point of vomit.) I wonder if this ever so important God has told him to treat his wife like shit? That’s the God I want to believe in! Yay God!

4. Alexis and Jim go out to eat and she orders a very specific drink. She orders a festive margarita, on the rocks, with only 6 round ice cubes (the kind that look like short, fat tubes), the juice of 2 organic limes, 13.125 pieces of lime zest, 16 grains of salt that are in a zig zag pattern around the edge, and just a dash of Jesus Christ’s saliva (because he comes first). Then she says she is just erotic about her food! (I think she meant neurotic, but don’t judge, she spends so much time on God that she had no time to learn anything, ever.)

I love when my husband controls me, it means I never have to think or work.

5. Overall, Jim is just controlling. At the restaurant, Jim tells Alexis she is talking too loud and instead of telling him to shut up (which is what I would have done) she attempts to hide the hurt that she feels with a smile. She was not talking that loud and there was no one else there. (Head is so so sore.)

6. I think Jim is the reason Alexis sucks. She has been brainwashed by the evil Jesus freak. Hate.

Elsewhere, Tamra is still jealous of Gretchen and now she will also be jealous of Alexis. Currently, she likes Alexis, but I am sure that will change.

Tamra and Simon also hate each other. They have a 4th of July barbecue and invite Mr. and Mrs. Jesus Freak. Tamra tries so hard to be fun and funny, but all her nastiness just seeps from her pores. She makes snide remarks towards Simon and no one finds them funny, instead everyone just gets really uncomfortable. I think I hate Tamra the most. She deserves to be broke.

Poor Lynne has to move to Laguna. Her daughters are so sad and her husband Frank admits that he made bad decisions in the real estate market (him and everyone else in the OC). So, they are moving. It is a boring scene.

Vicki is busy making all the money in the OC, and she barely appears in this episode. There is one scene where the producers force Jeana to stop by Vicki’s house and it is all so awkward. My head hurt so bad, I had to fast forward a little.
Finally, we get to the La Perla party. The wives try on lingerie and the husbands laugh uncomfortably. Tamra is trashy, Slade is a creep, Alexis is bound and gagged by her husband and stuck inside a dressing room until she is allowed to come out again, and Vicki shows up late and looking as if she is so superior. When asked why she is late, she says, “Because I’m the only one who works.” It was great, and so true.

The final scene is the worst. Jeana and her bratty kids all sit around and eat hot dogs and talk about nothing. Then Jeana cleans her kitchen while a video montage to her Housewives life cuts in and out. They show her estranged, 70s porn star looking, ex-husband Matt, and my head explodes. Buh-bye Jeana and good luck!

The end.

 Bye Jeana!  Take care of yourself gurrrl.

1 comment:

thank you so much for your comment! i read and enjoy each and every one :).

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